14th Nov

just a shoutout..

STAY ON EARTH!!

just because someone expecting something out of you doesn't mean you can attend to it because EVERYONE expect something out of you..people pleaser will end up a poop-er!

I've learnt that long time ago but with serious expectations even if they meant it for you good, you growth, your potential, and you whatever nots, i still prefer to grow at a proper pace..somewhat proper pace, seeing proper doesn't apply to me :S

life..moves on :)

7th Nov

the past month has been a roller coaster..this shall be an emo post..

i've been thinking what should i do with my life..I'm coming to an age where it's suppose to be a transition time..from a student life into a full fledged adult (somewhat full fledged)..in psychology and many books we learn that it's suppose to be a stage where people start to love and all..

so..it's like i've been hit by a train..train of thoughts that i never had before about life..

i always thought it'll be somewhat easy for this coming transition..get a job and settle down (something a Chinese family drill into us) but now, i'm not so sure anymore..I've watched a few emotional movies where love ends tragically and met a few person who have shaken up my entire being..

a person that i came across is smart, good looking, coming from a ok family, close to parents, from strong faith background. but the things he does now is just appalling. I'm not even sure how, or why did he end up there..so then many people that we impart faith into will somehow end up there? i shudder to think. because i felt, with one misstep, that could've very well be me.

a few movies i watch..regarding love that's just not meant to be..all is just bad..a party gives out, another party doesn't receive, cannot receive, doesnt know how to receive..both end up hurting each other so bad..

one of my favourite/haunting dialogue is stuck in my head.
- if being separated is a part of life, and you know about separation well, is it possible that we can love someone and never be afraid of losing them? is it possible that, we can live our entire life without loving anyone at all..

i don't know..the same loneliness seems to engulf me whole..

everyone seems to expect something out of me..at work, at church, at home, with different people. but i'm so sure that i wouldnt fit the bill of what people expect of me. how should i live, knowing i'm constantly being watched, evaluated. I've yet to find someone with similiar experience as me. loneliness is eating me from inside. best part is i'm not even sure what they mean when we are expecting something from me..u wan me to sprout wings?

then, at some area of my life i feel i'm doing well.. but yet as a whole, the team is loosing..thus, everyone seems defeated at the lost..i dunno but i hate that losing feeling, i hate being on the loosing team..because it makes me feel my effort is worthless, an egg against the rock..why am i the only one who is against the current..others will not get it when i'm trying to convey anything..

sometimes i just want to be normal..putting in normal effort, getting a normal response..where no one will expect something out of me..i wan to be normal where i do normal things that ppl my age do, not to think of so many things and be responsible for so many other things..i wish that i can be so normal that if i slip away, no one will notice then i can live my own normal life under my own terms..

i'm not sure why am i so confused. i tried to live life as it is, giving it the best shot, earning praises but still so very empty.. its as if i'm missing out..as if no one actually care if i give it my 100% or 120% (though there is no such thing)..

life, as i know it, must change..

4th October

Question:
Who determines how much you are worth? and who you should become?

my answer:
only He who is worthy. who can see my future. who knows my deepest of my desires.

Question:
What do you do when u meet a kindred spirit?

my answer:
hang on to them. they'll be there for you when the whole world cannot understand you.

_____________________________________________________________________

Time is moving too fast. 3 months in TW is drawing to a close then i'm officially off probation. well, it hasnt been a totally smooth ride but i'm giving my best into it and trying to enjoy all that there is, the people, the culture, the...work?? just a lil!

hmm..what's new. i passed and got an "A" for my Jap language! *yays* more to come soon! it's good to force yourself to learn something new. make friends along the way. Many people ask what makes me want to study Japanese.

I think besides the language being interesting and the country is amazing. Learning new things makes me humble as a student and inquisitive. i always want to remind myself that, that i've not gain all the knowledge and wisdom of deeper things..i cant just use what i've learn and just sit on it and ride it out in my life. there is so much more to things around..when u learn a new thing, it makes u think more and learn more..for example, if you learn how to dance, you'll learn how to lead and read chemistry. if you learn martial arts, you'll learn about your body and how to handle it. cool eh? i always wanted to learn more of those..when i'm freer maybe :) (i miss guitars and ninjutsu!)

other than that. God has been faithful to me. even when i fail Him so often. am reminded that i live under grace and mercy and however i can, i will try show it to others too..

hmm. any other significant event? OA trip was brilliant!!DJ CG are awesome bunch!

gah! so many many things going through my mind.. work has been really busy and all..

i learn DISC!!awesome stuff! now i can see things clearer. not to judge, but to handle situations better :) (by now you should realise i'm just blabbering my thoughts!)

met up with friend and has a long great talk. shared whatever i wanted to share and i felt a breakthrough between us and for both of us. we have come a looooong way! and i think we have longer roads to cross!! honest thoughts, we are still figuring out a lot of things huh :)

i miss lil esther. i miss lil lucas..toodlers!cute! :D

so many things running through my head. about the future..well, i can only pray and plan and trust in Him who holds it.

that's all for now!!

nights!

11th July 2010

Hey blog,

Time is passing extremely fast. makes me think that 1 week holiday isnt enough.

my last employment was eventful enough. with 2 more unimates in the same work place is really fated to be good. but with the ones whol clicks are even better. so it's drawing to a close...

like what i said to one of the colleague, "dont apologize for what was done wrong against me when i'm with you because i don't remember those time anymore, only the good ones stay in my memory. so i chose to thank you, and all of you because there are the good times :)" which i think is God's response when we truly repent of our sins. He just doesnt remember anymore as described in Psalm 103.

so, tomorrow ill start my new job, in TW. I did ask myself, whether is it what i want. but i'll nvr know until i step into it. i believe God has His way in me. as mentioned by one of the aunties i met in church, "God is REALLY blessing you, and has His hands over you". it was like a lightbulb moment, I'll just do whatever it takes, to follow Him and surrender to His plans.

really am in awed that i can get the job, as i mentioned in previous post, getting a job isnt easy. and getting the job that ill be in is like wanting to build a hanging garden. but anyhow! a new chapter begins tomorrow.

hmm..how did i spend my holiday (just a mere 9 days)..

last saturday: church and stuff..normal enough of a saturday..just very stressed with DBS, finally managed to combine with KS's subzone, which lightens the burden significantly.

last sunday: i went shopping!! i bought 3 shirts and 1 T's and a wallet. dont ask about the amount. it's unhealthy. same thing i told my mom when asking her hows my choice of shirts. she said, nice, nice and wow, this one is really nice..and i say yea..the pricing also the same, nice, nice and wow, really nice!

then went to boardgame!! it's about 2 diong, 2 chang, 1 sia, 1 khoo, 1 low and a minjoot~awesome time! say "cheese"

last monday: i went to jaga office cos mom and dad is holidaying. so i jaga lo..slept there, read books there and all sorts..uneventful id say.

last tuesday: i went to do some grocery shopping and buy stuff, then at night dinner with Maui before leader's meeting. wee~

last wednesday: i went to makan with ex-colleagues..awesome time at sushi king cos i started raining elephants and hippo. and the waiter has serious face problem, just doesnt smile :S

then met up with ex-school mates and makan italianese. and then watch the 'backup plan' quite funny lo! down side, i woke myself up in middle of the night cos of itch, developed rashes all the sudden and it was just bad..had a hard time sleeping

last thursday: woke up groggy, and with rash! oh no! was suppose to see pet-sis and pet-niece by evening! sigh..so gotta cancel the jalan jalan before makan because i was just too groggy. but got makan lo after i slept abit..had some rash pill, the pharmacist say it might be something i ate. but i nvr knew i had any allergies..hmmm...and the italian food was very normal ah...dunno what la..

my pet-niece is uber cute! she can say ABC, identify body parts, kiss, good, no good and all sorts!!love her to bits!! :)

and by night, the rashes all recide edi..super awesome pill XP

last friday: had sudden influx of things to do for friday and saturday, went berserk with planning these two day..and had to let go some plans if not i'd run around and couldnt enjoy anything properly.

so, booked my whole day to Darren Khoo..mana tau wasted!!shopping at pyramid only started at 430! then since i bought my stuff edi so i'm on no-spend trip!so we went around looking for a belt to replace his crab belt. all too expensive. a superman belt from DC comic cost rm269..SICKENNING! then he refuse to go asian ave saying that it's a lala place. but *ahem* his taste also around there one la *ahem*..so oh wells..then he started to emo and wanna go home since he slept at 7am.. :S kids these days r killing themselves!

then i had babysitting the Darwin.. awesome time :)

yesterday: woke up late, didnt do my jap homework :( wanted to go class early to do, mana tau cannot find parking!! yeesh! so i end up being late summor even when i left very early!! annoyed! then i had to multitask in classroom. thank goodness i actually read ahead during this week and mentally completed my homework before writing the answers..

then left early frm jap class to meet with uncle Chew, to learn about OA mission trip and how XYZ can be involved..well peps, missions is really just at our doorsteps, dont need go too far..even an hour drive away, we can reach alot of people edi..

then XYZ, was really random.. i kena call upon to do the hola hoop of death..i died..nvr knew how and yea..so..it was sad..then celebration, then makan and watched "despicable me"..O.M.G, it's a must watch..sooooo nice..not awesome..it's nice..heartwarming nice..and UBER CUTE :) thinking about it makes me smile..

then today, i am to relax, remove clutters in my mind and be all prepared for tomorrow! cant wait!!

oh, i also had 2 weird dream this week..

1) i dreamt that i was working at the law firm again doing something before i realise, hey, im not suppose to be here, then i woke up..haha..talk about being conscious in your dream!

2) just today, i dreamt that i went to my new office, and it was NOT my new office cos i know that area..this office was at a park with a big lake..it was very nice park and all..so i can see lotsa people was walking from park to enter office, then i went to the lift, and there were cycling machine..so unknowingly i went on it and cycle even though i was 5 minutes from being late..

then i see signs to go my gym..since i was sweating, i thought of taking a shower before going to work..so i walk towards it, then DCY came out of the gym and went "hor! late for work edi!" then left me looking bewilded (he is not suppose to be at my workplace building to begin with!)
so i was like...what...the....

then DCY real life sms me and woke me up! talk about timing!!


hahaha..its a week's worth of posts!!so dun waste your time if u have more important things to do k!!
say 'No' to procrastination!

...a story of an eagle...

i believe that an eagle will not be contented staying in a cage, because then, it's not an eagle anymore. though biological it is still an eagle, but an eagle that fails to behave like one is no more of an eagle than a chicken or a kiwi bird..

as long as people treat the eagle like a kite, typing a rope to the eagle's legs and yanking it to their convenience, the eagle will fail to realise its full potential as an eagle..keeping the eagle in a cage will kill the eagle..

so the eagle have three choices, ONE, attack and peck out the human's eyes or hurt them as bad as an eagle can, so the rope is lost and eagle can fly away. TWO, wait......until the human are finally kind enough to let go of the eagle. or THREE, just keep his wings and behave like a kite, a chicken in cage, never to fly again, never to do what an eagle is suppose to do..

i am a man of dreams, of burdens in my heart, and i believe i can go the distance with what i have..but yet, im being limited by my conditions of non-supportive people whom i deem having the ultimate keys to my dreams..

yes, i am the eagle and yes, you are killing me..

i wonder how long can i keep up with these until i go for option 1..

12.05.2010

Hmm, loads of things happened these few months.
for one, i finally had my convo :) thanks for all who came, i was a happy, albeit the only, boy :P, im getting used to this..really! its life :x

next, Pearly aka soh poh left my current workplace for better future (i think XD) ..there goes my cubicle neighbour..it has been great really!!all those times we shared with various colleagues..crazy things we do in office, crazy things She did out of office!!unbelievable!!thus, earning her reputation as soh poh among us! but she is one truly kind, encouraging, disgusting, funny, blonde, smart and crazy woman!!haha..MISSING U lo!! *emo*

next, i also plan to leave..err..since..January 2010..but not happening so far :( no one wanna hire me..after thorough evaluation of self, i think it's cause im holding HELP's cert, i did psychology, and now i work in law firm as a due diligence......

nope, not very appealing..at ALL!!haha..dah la i study in HELP (name so lame), i did psychology (what can u do actually) and now im doing due diligence (due dili...what do you do again?)..yes yes, i get it!!my life hasnt been to conventional..HELP's system screwed my grades up and over..n now this..*biting my tongue!*

but anyhow, if not anything, i've learnt one thing so far..that i should be actually happy and positive! why?

because though everyday i complain, nag, sigh, almost cry (almost!), get frustrated, depressed, down cast, and whatever else, i have true genuine friends around! they encourage me, motivate me, talk to me, life me up and sometimes show me tough love to toughen me up!! for that i thank many of you in my life :) you have brightened up my dark days and strengthen my heart :) thanks for the love and hope, i truly, from the bottom of my heart, appreaciate it!

but yet, dark days are not over..i went for my interview through a relative's contact on last friday..im eagerly waiting for results..VERY eagerly..cos i can see the building from my work place..everything i do i kept thinking about it..i really really want to get it because it'll be a great platform for me to learn and perform! i think that in the midst of brilliant people is where i can also be brilliant! among the deads, ill also end up quite dead :( i wanna compare..i really wanna compare to see how good i actually am..how will i fare amongst the brilliant..

so yeap, i remembered once upon a time, i made a tiny wish to work in that building, cause the building was so big and so tall..so i pointed at one window and wondered how it would be like to work there..it'd be cool (i dont even know what companies are inside that big big building but now i do) :) i wonder really did God heard that little wish..and i still am wondering will the wish come through..

but anyhow, wish me the best wontcha? *fingers crossed*

rant!

SHADDUP ALREADY!